Thursday, March 31, 2011

hello again...

As I get older and the abyss looms ever closer, I find myself wondering about a lot of things--then again, I've been wondering about things my whole life...

I wonder what will happen when I draw my last breath; will I be conscious of the end's approach? Will there be anybody waiting in the wings to help me through that doorway, or will I make my departure alone? Will anything I may've accomplished in my lifetime actually count for anything on this plane or the next--if there is one? Will I be held accountable for everything I've done--or not done?

I wonder what purpose my life may have had. I have had dreams--getting published, finding enduring friendships, attaining peace of mind and confidence in myself--yet, if my life's purpose is not to achieve my own dreams but to help others achieve theirs, can I accept that if it's what is required of me? Is there a  possibility I will be expected to abandon my own dreams for another purpose and will anything I do have a meaningful impact upon the world around me?

All my life I've harbored the suspicion that there's more to this gig than existing, enduring, and dying. I know  that there's more to the human experience than our senses and rationality can identify and quantify; science is already investigating phenomena which were considered pretty fringe once upon a time. Quantum physics, for example, suggests that human intention may influence the behavior of subatomic particles, and I wonder what we will do with that knowledge, should it be proven true.

I wonder where events which are unfolding today will lead us tomorrow. Will democracy be proven to be a failure as a form of government? Will individuality be sacrificed in favor of the greater good of some form of society of which we have no conception now? Is humankind so flawed a species that we stand fated to extinction by our emotional natures, recklessness and greed? Dr. Stephen Hawking has declared humanity doomed, anyway, if we do not find a way of moving out into other worlds; millennia hence the sun will go supernova and this solar system will be consumed and all trace of human presence here will be destroyed and forgotten. Will human beings rise above territorial obsessions long enough to work together toward the survival of our species?

But there is one thing about which I wonder most: is this all there is?

Is the human spirit so powerful and enduring that it can transcend one lifetime? Have we lived more lives than we can possibly imagine? Have we all made mistakes again and again, only to return in attempts to do better in subsequent lifetimes? Have we known each other throughout those lives, having accompanied each other throughout this journey, our relationships as enduring as our souls, and why does it seem so inconceivable that reincarnation may be as normal as the processes of birth and death?

I wonder why we, as a species, are so afraid of the unknown; what is it we really fear?

Goodbye has been an issue all my life. Friends have come and gone but I've continued on in hopes of connecting with friends who would not leave me behind. I always thought I'd have the opportunity to say goodbye to my parents before they died--that didn't happen. My hope is not to die alone, that there will be someone there to tell me goodbye; but I realize now that may not be the case.

Is it possible that life is little more than one goodbye after another? How much pleasure can we take each time we say hello, to begin with, knowing that goodbye is inevitable? And each time we say goodbye to life and to each other and go to wherever it is we go, what do we do there until we come back?

Are we forever just waiting to say hello again?