Thinkin' back...

This past Wednesday I visited my folks' graves. Thursday made 14 years since Mother died. It hit me really hard this year for some reason. A friend had brought a Gatorade bottle of sand and plastic bag of shells from the beach at Corpus Christi for my Mom's grave. (Mother grew up in Aransas Pass, Texas and had water from the Gulf runnin' through her veins.) Anyway, the sand & shells were way better than flowers and held much more meaning so I took off work and made the hour and a half drive south. It was a nice drive. Weather was gorgeous... Trees were beginnin' to turn... Not much traffic... Good music on the cd player... I did a lot o' thinkin'.

I reminisced about my parents on the way to the cemetery. I can't believe they've been gone 14 & 15 years. On the other hand, it gets harder and harder to remember certain things and I wonder sometimes if I'm having real memories or replaying something I've heard somebody else talk about. It's weird. There's been a lot of life happen since Mother and Daddy died. So many things they would have loved being a part of or seeing. There are nine new people in just our immediate family that never even saw my parents. And one more on the way. That whole circle of life thing is both upsetting and soothing.

Okay, I did most of my thinkin' on the drive home after the stress and emotion of the cemetery visit was over. I opened my eyes more and enjoyed the beauty of the day and the countryside. I don't know which thing causes fall color in trees but we don't have much of it this year. We had drought until this past month when we've had oodles of rain, and one of those things is necessary for reds and golds. But I still enjoyed the pretty browns mixed in with the evergreen pines. I always find it interesting that in less than an hour I go from mostly hardwood trees, and smaller trees, to the tall pines and the Davy Crockett National Forest.

I thought back to my youth and fall days when I would be in the last days of going barefooted - before Mother would holler at me as I ran out the door to put some shoes on. I remembered throwing a hackamore bridle and saddlepad on my horse and disappearing for hours as I rode her through barditches where there was still good grass on which to munch. (Um, for the horse, not me.) I'd lay back on that horse's back and stare at the sky while she grazed happily. If I wasn't on the horse I was probably riding my bicycle with a friend that lived down the rode. The days before 10-speed bikes when it took everything we had to pedal to the top of a hill just so we could coast back down with the wind in our hair, feet stuck out to the side so the pedals could spin as fast as they needed to. For a moment I missed my youth as badly as I miss my parents. I missed the time when my most major decision of the day was whether to ride the horse or the bike. When I felt so secure knowing that there was always someone at home taking care of everything I needed. When I knew that no matter what happened outside I would enter our house and know I was completely sheltered, completely cared for, and completely loved. No matter what. Knowing all those things gave me a type of confidence and peace that I no longer feel. Now, although I am still loved by my siblings and their kids, and I have a new type of confidence that comes with experience and age, I'm still looking for my own peace on my own terms. I think I'll eventually get there but, I gotta tell ya, it ain't today and it probably won't be tomorrow...

CeeCee Stories:

CeeCee's aunt is pregnant so there's been talk of babies and the baby in April's tummy, etc. CeeCee told her mommy last week that she has two babies in HER tummy and their names are James and Skookie. We don't know where she came up with "Skookie."

So my niece tells CeeCee that the new baby's name will be the same as Grandaddy's and Joe-Joe's and we're gonna call him Billy. CeeCee looked at her like she was "insame" [CeeCee's version of insane] and asked if we would have to call him "Friller" [CeeCee's version of "Thriller" which is what my nieces and nephews call their dad (my brother)]. I can't remember why the kids call their dad Thriller but it has nothing to do with MJ.

Y'all have a fun Halloween or Fall Festival - whatever y'all call it. My porch light will be OFF in order to look as uninviting as I can for trick or treaters. By the way, I noticed today that people on tv were calling it "tricks or treats." We say "trick or treat" down here. Well, it's more like "trickertreat."

P.S. I have temporarily deactivated my facebook page. I got real irritated with it this week when I realized I strongly don't give a shit what people do every few minutes. That's what I get for being "friends" with so many college kids.